Door opening

Pai: Ok. I’m back.

Me: Well…

Pai: You were right. It was an impossible mission.


Hank: (scrubbed, bathtub wrinkled, in pajamas) What was impossible?

Me: I can’t explain I am too devastated.

Pai: Hank, when a woman is pregnant there are times when they have uncontrollable cravings for random foods and until they eat that food there is no peace in the house.  You mother is having a craving, but they do not sell beef jerky in Portugal.

Hank: Oh no!

Me: WHY!!!!????

Pai: But I have done my best to find the next best thing at almost 10 pm on a Sunday.  Tomorrow I can drive to the American Store in Porto and get your mommy beef jerky.

Me: (weepy) Really?

Hank: Oh!  Can you get me Mint M&M’s and Root Beer?

Pai: Yes to all the things, BUT for tonight…  I have: pretzels, tortilla chips and Old El Paco Queso Dip.

Hank: What is Queso?

Pai: I think it is suppose to be cheese.

Me: (weeping crocodile tears) This is why I married you.  (sobbing) I love you so much.

Pai: Ok, Hank. Time to leave mommy alone with her snacks.  How about two chapters in your book?

Hank: (walking out of the room) Papa, why is that cheese orange?  Cheese isn’t orange.  Cheese is white like milk.

Pai: I don’t know.  It is an American thing.


In the middle of a renaissance faire surrounded by friends and fun.

Hank: Mama?

Me: Hum?

Hank: Are you going to write this down?

Me: Write what down?

Hank: (wide gesture) All of this?

Me: I can.

Hank: The best way to not forget something is to write it down.  Because I want to remember it. Because right now I am in a terrible mood, but I know that this is special so I was wondering if you will write it all down?

Me: I can do that.

Hank: Thank you.  (pause) Don’t forget the smells.

Me: (inhaling) Charcoal and wood fires, roast pork and incense.

Hank: That’s it, my mama.


2nd Grade Math

Me: (reading)

Pai: Now you say it.

Hank: I can’t.

Pai: Try.

Hank: Para-lello-meep-pa…  (giggling) Have mommy try it.

Me: Try what?

Pai: Say: paralelopipedo.

Me: Paralelo-what the-do?

Hank: (giggling)

Pai: No, para-lelo-pipedo.

Me: I am lost.

Hank: (giggling)

Pai: It’s a solid.


Pai: You know: cube, cone, sphere… Platonic shapes?

Me: Like shapes that don’t date?

Pai: $30,000 for art school and you don’t know your solids?

Hank: My mommy doesn’t speak math. (giggling) Para-lelo-skeep- a-do?

Me: How do you say it in English?

Pai: Drop the final “o”.

Me: Para-lello-whoos-e-pad?

Hank: (positively purple with laughter)

Pai: No, paralelopiped, as in formed by six parallelograms.

Me: Oh yah… well go draw a duck.

Hank: Mama, is that an adult word?

Me: No.  I am just pointing out to your papa that he may know all about paralelo-witchesbrew but I’d like to see him try and draw a duck… making fun of me because I don’t speak math. Paralelo-my-left-foot.

Hank: (doubled over the table) Paralelo-witchesbrew! (positively hysterical)