Pai: (gesturing with his full dinner fork) Listen, Lady. If you were not so far across the table and holding our baby I would launch this sauce covered meatball across the table at you. Pulgas (fleas)… Please.
Me: (practically purple with laughter)
Hank: That happened to me.
Me: (recovering, dabbing away my laughter tears) What?
Hank: At school that happened to me. I was sitting next to Pedro and that day we were having meatballs and he was talking and not watching his fork and he hit me in the face with his meatball… but without sauce, of course. These were Portuguese meatballs and not saucy meatballs.
Hank: OH! I forgot. I have a ficha (worksheet) as homework. (facepalm)
Me: Man, I was hoping for a dance party after dinner.
Pai: How did you not remember? Did you not write it in the agenda I bought you?
Me: Hank, are you using your agenda?
Hank: I use it.
Me: Do you keep it in your backpack?
Hank: Of course.
Me: Great, then after dinner I would like to see it.
Hank: (thinking on his feet) I’m sorry. I don’t think I heard you correctly. Did you say do I use my agenda or…
Me: Let me stop you right there before you lie to me twice, because I know you don’t want to lie to me two times, especially about something so silly as an agenda.
Hank: (shocked, embarrassed) I’m sorry.
Me: I would like to give you this opportunity to start over. Would you like to start over?
Me: Good then shake my hand and we will forget those stupid lies ever happened and start again.
Me: Hank, are you using your agenda to write down your homework every night?
Hank: (nervous) No.
Me: Oh, no worries. That’s totally normal. I have two agendas in my office right now that I never ever finished.
Pai: She does.
Me: I can go get them and show you right now. Keeping an agenda is a habit you need to learn. It takes time to get used to it.
Hank: But I never have time! We always go from one thing to the next to the next and then you are picking me up!
Me: How much time do you have at the end of school before I arrive?
Hank: Um… about five minutes, I think.
Me: If you put your agenda on your desk then you will see it all day as a reminder and then in those last few minutes take some time to write down your homework and anything else you need to do or some juicy gossip or drama that happened. I will wait outside and I promise I will not be mad. Good suggestion?
Hank: I think so.
Me: Now do you want to know how I knew you were lying?
Hank: (relived) Yes, I was thinking, “How does she know this?”
Me: It is because I am very old and very wise and I have told every lie there is to tell and so I am an expert. And you can’t fool an expert. I’ve told so many lies that I learned that it is always better and easier to tell the truth and when I was 19 I stopped lying all together. When you lie you have to maintain that lie which means you have to keep lying so that no one ever finds out you were lying in the first place and that, my friend, is exhausting and not worth the effort. I will always be able to tell when you are lying so do not even try.
Pai: You are very lucky to have your mother, Hank.