Hank: (very serious) Mommy, when Molly gets older it is very important that you don’t use adult words.
Me: I am aware that I have a problem. Is there a support group I can join for people who swear like a highly educated sailor?
Pai: This is true. You need to do you best unless you want your angelic daughter’s first word to be shit.
Me: Roger, that. Can I count on your help, Hank?
Hank: Yes, absolutely.
Me: Once when you were about three you decided you would try out the mother of all adult words.
Pai: This is a great story.
Hank: Are you going to tell me which one?
Me: For the purpose of telling this story, yes I am going to tell you… So we were in line at the grocery and there were about three or four other people behind us and you were sitting in the cart while I was putting the things on the counter and all of a sudden you just decided to yell, “fuck.”
Me: And I said, “Hank, we don’t use that language,” and you said , “Fuuuuuck,” and laughed and laughed. So I stood there and decided there were two options. I could die of embarrassment, pick you up and run out of the store, never to return OR I could make this a teaching moment.
Pai: Which is what parents do when they have no other choice but to die of embarrassment.
Me: Correct. So I turned to the four people behind us and to the woman at the counter and I said with my eyes begging for support, “We do not use that word. That is a mean and bad word, right?” And the woman behind the counter said,” No, I don’t use that word.” And one man said, “That is a very bad word, little man.” And the woman directly behind you got real close, looked you right in the eyes and said in a very serious voice, “Jesus doesn’t like it when you say that word.”
Me: That woman scared you half to death and after that I paid for our things and I wished everyone a better day and pushed you right out of the store and had to bite the inside of my cheeks to keep from laughing because you were traumatized and I thought it was the funniest thing I had ever heard,” Jesus doesn’t like it when you say that word.” It took everything I had to keep a strait face.
Hank: Well, it’s true. You can’t hardly make a sound when you go into a church. Jesus hates noise.
Me: (wiping the tears from my eyes) Hank, remind me to explain to you what deference means, not today, today I just want to laugh. Tomorrow… (pulling him into a hug) Tomorrow I will explain why Jesus likes you to be quiet when you visit a church.