Me: Henrique, lanche (snack)!
Hank: (half stomping, half dragging himself to the table) What is this?
Me: Lanche (snack), we need to run to the farming store to replace some of my tomato plants that died and then we need to run to the Horta (garden) and get them in the ground before dark and I do not want a repeat of the mess at the garden this morning.
Hank: What mess?
Pai: Oh, I’m sorry. Were you not with us? Was that another Hank who complained and stomped about all morning? You need some food.
Hank: (looking upset at his sandwich)
Pai: Thanks for the lanche (snack).
Me: No, problem boys. I am sorry I need some help in the garden today. I know gardening isn’t everyone’s favorite thing.
Pai: I hate gardening, but I love eating. It is a worthy investment.
Hank: (grumpy) What is this sandwich?
Me: Salami and cheese with lettuce and butter.
Hank: (grouchy) This water isn’t cold.
Me: You may be excused to get some ice.
Hank: (sliding off the chair and hitting the floor hard on purpose)
Hank: (dramatically limping to the kitchen and loudly complaining while getting the ice)
Me: (chewing, ignoring)
Pai: Do we need anything besides tomato plants?
Me: If there are ducklings I guarantee a few will find their way into my purse.
Hank: (plopping back in his chair, despondent) Mama, did I ask you for these chips? Why are these even on my plate?
Me: (hand in the air, ready to testify) Listen, I get it. I HEAR YOU. This is not your day. You woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
Hank: (frowning with every inch of his body)
Me: Absolutely everything today is conspiring against you, but unless you want your SASS to get you grounded for the remainder of the weekend YOU NEED TO CHECK YOURSELF.
Me: I give you a treat, something nice, and you are so full of FUNK that you question it? Man, you are in deep despair. WORD. We all have those days. Totally normal, (leaning in real close, looking him in the eye) but I promise you. I am twelve seconds away from nailing you into your room so I don’t have deal with Crank-Beast Hank for another second.
Hank: (ear piercing whine) I can’t stop! What do you want ME to do about it?
Me: (scary calm) I want you to stop speaking. (directing my attention to my sandwich) You are having a bad day, but that doesn’t mean you need to use your feelings to hurt people. I need you to not open your mouth to spew vial filth for the rest of the day. You want to say something hateful? Don’t. You want to lash out? Walk away. You will calm down if you stop feeding that Crack-Monster living inside you today.
Hank: (full of SASS) Crank-Beast. You said Crank-Beast before not Crank-Monster.
Me: (slamming hand on table)
Pai: Last time. No more.
Me: (to Pai) Did you just hear that little boy sass me with my own words? It’s like this Hank doesn’t know who he is dealing with? I mean… SASS ME! (to Hank) I get it, button-pusher. You want to watch the world burn today. I have no problem with that. Just prepare.
Pai: Já chega (enough), Henrique. You don’t disrespect my wife. Silêncio (silence).
Hank: (angrily eating potato chips)