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Love Isn’t Like in the Movies

An example of my typical to-do lists (this one is from 2013)

An example of my typical to-do lists (this one is from 2013)

 

(this conversation was originally in Portuguese)

Pai: Alright, I will be right back everyone. (coming over to give me a kiss goodbye)

Molly: Papa!

Pai: (to Molly) I will be back in a minute. Eat your dinner, Carmela (caramel).

Hank: Bye, Papa.

Irina and Euclides: Bye, Alfredo.

Me: Love you, see you in a bit.

Pai: (closing the front door)

Irina: You and Alfredo are in love.

Me: Yes, we’ve been in love for a very long time.

Hank: They are so in love that my mama puts kissing my pai on her list of work everyday and she also writes to buy love on the grocery shopping list.

Me: Everyday.

Irina: That is silly.

Me: No, that is love. Love isn’t like in the movies, Irina. Love is the little things that make up life. For example, the most romantic thing Alfredo ever did for me was fart on Hank’s face.

Euclides: (practically chocking on his pizza) What?

Hank: (positively purple with laughter, remembering)

Me: True story. One day I was sitting on the couch and so was Hank and we were both sitting in such a way that if Hank farted my face would be in the blast zone.

Euclides: (silently, hysterically laughing)

Me: So I said to my darling son, whom I love, “Hank, whatever you do, do not fart in my face,” And I bet you can guess what he did…

Hank: (falling off his chair dramatically)

Irina: (shocked) He did?!

Me: That’s right, he rips the biggest, loudest, smelliest fart right in my face. I should have known better. I shouldn’t have said a word and moved out of the line of fire, but I didn’t do any of those things setting me up for disaster.

Molly: (puzzled by the hysterics, mouth full of yogurt)

Me: Just then when I was trapped by the toxic butt fumes Alfredo, the love of my life, walks up to Hank like a knight in shinning armor and says, “ No one farts on my wife and gets away with it!” Then he sits directly on Hank’s face and plants a fart 16,000 times greater and smellier and more obnoxious than Hank’s fart at point blank range…

Irina: (collapsed in helpless hysterics)

Euclides: (tears streaming down his cheeks, hyperventilating)

Hank: (riots of laughter) It’s true! It’s true! It was horrible.

Me: And I knew at that moment that there was no other man for me. That Alfredo was my person. That he was my knight! And that I was the luckiest woman to be loved by him. That FART was the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for me… ever. The End. (taking a small bow)

Molly: (Clapping) Yah!

Me: (to Molly) Thank you, my lovie. (spooning more yogurt in her mouth) Love isn’t like in the movies, Irina, it’s better.