Article

It’s Not About (generic) Tupperware

conversations with hank

 

Hank: (packing his day into three bags: a gym bag, a small satchel and a backpack like a Sherpa about to climb to basecamp one)

Me: Do you have a snack? Today is a 5:30 day.

Hank: I don’t. I forgot.

Me: Where are your (generic) tupperware from yesterday’s snack?

Hank: (freezes) I don’t know.

Me: Were they in your backpack?

Hank: No.

Me: Did you bring them home?

Hank: Um… I don’t know, maybe one, but the other I may have probably left at school maybe… I think?

Me: You think or you know?

Hank:

Me: Retrace your steps.

Hank: (without hesitation, not thinking back) I left it at school. It’s gone. (flippant) Sorry.

Me: No, not sorry. Whoa, did you really leave that tupperware at school?

Hank: I don’t know.

Me: Then why did you just say you did, because that isn’t cool, Hank. Don’t just give me a quick convenient answer. Answer my question. Where is your tupperware from yesterday? Retrace your steps.

Hank: Argh.

Me: (adopting the annoying voice some YouTubers make) Yah, my mom is like totes frustrating, too. Especially when she’s wanting to like know where items of the house that cost, like money, are left so they can like be reclaimed and used more than once. (exaggerated sigh) Here are three ways to answer your mom’s annoying questions when you don’t have an answer to give. Enjoy the video…

Hank: MOM!

Me:

Hank:

Me:

Hank: I came home with I think one of them and I ate the rest of my snack after school.

Me: And then you put the tupperware in the sink?

Hank: Or maybe Papa did. Mom, I don’t know.

Me: Why are we having an argument about this?

Hank: I don’t know and I have to go!

Me: Then lets start over and get this right.

Hank: Fine.

Me: Hank, where is the tupperware you took to school yesterday?

Hank: (exhale) I ate some of my snack at school and the rest in the living room after school before I did my homework, but I didn’t put the tupperware in the sink after like I’m supposed to, so I think maybe papa put it into the dishwasher.

Me: (opening the dishwasher, find both offending plastic containers)

Hank: (throwing his arms in the air annoyed) Why couldn’t you have just done that, like, five minutes ago?

Me: (packing him a snack for school) Why couldn’t you simply answer my question to the best of your abilities the first time instead of just feeding me the quickest answer to pop into your head?

Hank: I don’t know.

Me: Huh.

Hank: I’m sorry.

Me: Thanks, here is your snack.

Hank: (taking off his backpack to put his snack inside) I’ve gotta go. I won’t lose the tupperwear and I’ll make sure it is in the sink after school.

Me: My wallet and I would appreciate that.

Hank: I mean, I get what you’re doing. You’re teaching me a lesson. I do know that. It’s just… next time can it be, like, way before I will feel late to school.

Me: Life doesn’t plan its stress around your schedule, Hank. You have to learn how to not let stress get a rise out of you.

Hank: I’ve gotta go. (kissing me on the cheek)

Me: Have a good day.

Hank: Thanks, mom, you too. (walking out the door)

Me: (leaning into my coffee)

Article

How Molly Turns Off Alarms

Running/Dancing to the Beach

Running/Dancing to the Beach

 

(I talk a large dose of medication for my Rheumatoid Arthritis and Ankylosing Spondylitis on Wednesday evenings before I go to bed. In order to always remember I have set an alarm on my phone. Last week Molly “helped me” turn off that alarm.)

****

Phone: (medication alarm ringing)

Me: (in the kitchen)

Molly: I fisk it, mommy! I fisk it! MOMMMMMMY, I fisk it, okay?!

Me (returning to the living room to witness Molly furiously tapping my phone like Desi Arnaz tapped the bongos, silencing my alarm while also managing to activate Siri)

Molly: (noticing me, proud) I fisk it, mommy!!!

Siri: Alright, I will check for a contact. What is your mommy’s name?

Molly: (to Siri without hesitation) POOP-AH-TINO!

Me: What?!

Siri: I’m sorry, I have no contact for: Poop-ah-tino. Would you like me to try again?

Molly: (absolutely hysterical, this is the funniest thing that has ever happened to her) POOOOOP-AH-TINO, Mommmy!

Siri: I have no contact for: Poop-ah-tino Mommy.

Molly: POOP-AH-TINO!

Me: (giggling, turning off Siri)

Molly: I fisk it.

Me: You did, chicken. You fixed it all by yourself.

Molly: Yah… POOP-AH-TINO!!!

Me: (riots of laughter, scooping her up in my arms) SO who is this poop-ah-tino? Am I poop-ah-tino?

Molly: No, I Poop-ah-tino!

Me: You’re Poop-ah-tino?

Molly: (wiggling free, toddling off with the swagger a mini superhero) Poop! AH! TINO!

 

Flashback reenactment of Molly turning off my phone alarm as played by Desi Arnez

Article

Over Dinner

Positively Autumnal: Stuffed Pumpkins with Brined, Roasted Chestnuts.

Our Positively Autumnal Meal: Stuffed Pumpkins with Brined, Roasted Chestnuts.

 

(sitting down to dinner, Molly lazing on the sofa having ate earlier)

Pai: Before I sit can anyone see anything missing? I don’t want to get back up again.

Hank: Azeite (Olive Oil).

Me: BEEEEEEERRRRRS!

Pai: Can we split one?

Me: For sure.

Pai: (dashing back into the kitchen)

Hank: I AM SO SUPER HUNGRY…

Me: Well, I made enough food I think.

Hank: To be honest I am not sure how I will feel about the pumpkin.

Me: As long as you try it I will allow you to pass it over to your papa or I and you can just eat the stuffing.

Hank: Oh, I will try it. I am now adventurous about food.

Pai: Today’s meal looks like a fall romance.

Me: (blushing because I know that he knows that I LOVE a fall romance)

Pai: (winking at me)  Stuffed roasted pumpkin is my favorite. Very American.

Me: And I love chestnuts.

Pai: Making up for those lost chestnut years.

Me: (lamenting) OH! Do not remind me! So sad now that I know chestnuts are one of my favorite foods.

Hank: What are we talking about?

Me: When we lived on Ohio when I was your age we had a beautiful chestnut tree and every year we’d rake up all the glorious chestnuts and compost them away with the fallen leaves.

Hank: Really?

Me: My mom, your Grammy, survived two fires and she was worried the chestnuts would cause another one because of a terrible rumor about exploding chestnuts. Rumors ruin everything in America.

Pai: Which can happen if you don’t cut them. They pop like popcorn eventually.

Me: So do baked potatoes if they’re not pierced. Regardless, we didn’t know how to properly roast a chestnut so off they went. I also used to fall on the burrs while playing or step on them because I was religiously against shoes until the first snow fall. (donning a slight British twinge to my voice) “Yes, and her petticoat; I hope you saw her petticoat, six inches deep in mud, I am absolutely certain..”

Hank: Huh?

Pai: Never mind your mother; she’s slipped away into literature again.

Hank: Chestnut spiky shells are the worst. I fell on one at Alice’s house. I was walking and all of a sudden I was falling and then all of a sudden life was horrible and you were pulling espinhos (thorns) out of my leg.

Me: True story, but the best foods protect themselves from predators (devouring a roasted chestnut carnivorously). Om nom nom nom nom nom. (grinning)

Hank: (giggling)

Pai: How was your day?

Hank: Good, I have a test tomorrow in Portuguese. Mostly we’re still reviewing from 4th grade so I am confident, but I am still studying more after dinner.

Me: A wise choice.

Hank: Also in gym we were forced to… I don’t know how to say it in English… um, you know when you, like, flip upside down against a wall and, like, hold yourself up by your hands? What’s that called?

Me: A headstand?

Hank: YES! Yes, we had to all do headstands in gym class until we were proficient.

Me: WOW, that’s cool. The only thing I had to learn to proficiency in my elementary gym class was dodge ball.

Hank and we’re also going to learn that one thing (miming a cartwheel)… You know?

Me: A cartwheel?

Hank: Yes!

Me: Oh good! That is my one regret in life.  I never learned how to do a cartwheel and the look like the most fun ever.

Pai: And did you? Can you do a headstand?

Hank: Of course.

Me: You should do it after dinner before you study!

Pai: Why exactly?

Me: A: Because I want to see and 2: Because headstands will make you smarter.

Pai: I’m a doctor of cognitive science and developmental psychology and I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Me: Headstands make all the blood rush to your brain, therefore making you smarter, obviously.

Pai: What pop-science, hippie-dippy rag-mag did you pull that out of?

Hank: (laughing)

Me: Um…

Pai: Back up your sources, Hanford.

Me: Oh, I will, Stôr (slang for Sénior Doutor or Doctor-Professor the formal way to address a professor at university)!!! Right after I finish these delicious chestnuts! Yum!

Hank: Oh I’m doing a headstand anyway. I agree with mama! Blood to my brain HAS to make me smarter!

Me: (fist up in defiance) SCIENCE BE DAMNED!!!!!

Pai: OR it will make you pass out and vomit up your dinner, but you do you, Hank. Remind me to explain placebo effect at some point soon.

Me: (positively purple with laughter)

No one vomited and we will see how much smarter Hank is after his Portuguese test!

No one vomited and we will see how much smarter Hank is after his Portuguese test!