(You need to know two things before reading this: 1.) This conversation takes place a full hour and a half before the rest of the house is awake and in two parts annnnnnd 2.) This conversation is an accurate representation of our new morning routine since Hank turned ten and was tainted by the toxic sludge soup, bubbling over in his body, more commonly called hormones)
Part I: (spoken in soft, loving voices)
Hank: (sitting on one side of the sofa with an empty hot chocolate mug)
Me: (sitting on the other side of the sofa with an empty coffee cup)
Hank: (sigh) Well…
Me: Its time.
Hank: Argh, I have to walk to school today.
Me: Oh, poor baby. Today you are without one of the 1000 chauffeur moms and dads you have seduced into taking you to and from school. How ever will you survive?
Hank: By walking to school, of course.
Me: Which is what you’re supposed to do every day.
Hank: It’s not my fault the other parents feel sorry for me.
Me: I’ll give you something to feel sorry about!
Me: What, too far?
Hank: A little.
Me: Right, my bad. Shoes, coat, backpack…
Hank: (getting up off the couch)
Part II: (conversed entirely in whisper-screaming and overly dramatic grand gestures)
Me: (noticing he is wearing his favorite jeans with a long side-split exposing his underwear)
Me: HANK! What the? Why are you wearing those jeans again! I put them aside to take to the costureira (seamstress) to have them patched. Why are those jeans magnetized to your person? Jeeeeesh!
Hank: ARGH! WHY!?!
Me: They were on top of your dresser.
Hank: I thought that meant I was to wear them!
Me: Huh? What? No! Have I ever done that? I have never once done that! You’ve chose your own clothes everyday since you were three!!!
Hank: Now, I am going to be late!
Me: Late? You don’t even have shoes on yet! How long does it take you to slip on a fresh pair of jeans?
Hank: It was dark in my room! How was I supposed to know? I hate everything now.
Me: Good plan! Blame the world because your mother forgot to remove the ripped jeans from within a ten-mile radius of you.
Hank: You know what I mean! (slamming about anything in his general vicinity)
Me: If you wake up your sister, so help me, I will keep you home from school to take care of her! I am not mentally prepared for her pterodactyl antics this early!
Hank: (returning with new pants and shoes) You can’t do that! I have to go to school.
Me: All of your teachers and 99% of the administrators at your school have kids and I bet you money if I explain the situation to them they will sympathize with me and excuse your tardiness.
Hank: (struggling to remove the split pants) Oh, my legs hurt so much from gym yesterday. I don’t think I can do this. (dramatically flopping to the floor with a thud)
Me: Hank, you need to take a plate of brownies to our downstairs neighbors for the amount of unnecessary physical comedy you bring down upon them.
Hank: I AM NOT TRYING TO BE FUNNY! And besides, they smoke in the hallway and it is disgusting.
Me: SO YOUR REVENGE IS BRUISING YOUR BODY, MY FLOOR ANNNNNND THEIR CEILING. Oh, then that’s fair!
Hank: (now in new pants, struggles to into his shoes) I hate these shoes. I need other options!
Me: Landsakesalive, I have never met another child like you.
Hank: I. AM. NOT. A. CHILD!(stomping off toward his room, letting his wardrobe door shut loudly, returning to the living room)
Me: (shaking my fist at his back) You better prey your sister chooses to stay in Bedfordshire.
Hank: (returning, scuffing his feet into tennis shoes) MOM, what do you want from me? I needed other shoes!!
Me: FINE! YOU’RE DRESSED NOW! COAT, BACKPACK and you better remember your umbrella.
Hank: I’M GOING!
Me: Oh, I’ll show you going. Imma gonna show you!
Hank: (stomping around, harrumphing)
Me: (leaving the couch to assess the situation and possibly murder my sass-tastic ten year old) WHAT NOW?!?!
Hank: I CAN’T FIND MY JEAN JACKET!
Me: (walking around the apartment, looking in the usual places) May you never move to America where houses are so large that they swallow up clothing that takes you years to find! Once I found a laundry basket in an upstairs closet of my grandparents old farm house. A whole load of washed and folded clothing my grandmother had been looking for since the late 70’s and it was 1992.
Hank: (following me) If I wasn’t in a hurry I’d be interested in your story.
Me: Listen, Sassafras, you did not come home with your jean jacket on last night. Did you leave it at school?
Hank: I didn’t leave it at school.
Me: How do you know you didn’t leave it at school?
Hank: Because I put it in my gym bag.
Me: (going full Rumpelstiltskin) IF YOUR JEAN JACKET IS IN YOUR GYM BAG THEN WHY AM I LOOKING FOR IT?
Me: (eyes lifted to the heavens) Imma gonna have a ‘come-to-jesus’ moment here inna minute.
Hank: (turning on his and his sister’s bedroom light accidentally with his elbow)
Me: (holding my breath, possibly popping a blood vessel somewhere, I donno)
Hank: (wincing) Sorry.
Me: (barely making sound, arms up in surrender) WALK. AWAY. SLOWLY.
Hank: (while struggling to get his jean jacket on over his sweater; we randevú in the foyer by the front door)
Me: (exhausted exhale)
Hank: (pulls his down-vest on over his jean jacket)
Me: (hands him his backpack, with his umbrella tucked into the side pocket)
Hank: (slugs it over one shoulder)
Me: (unlocks the front door and opens it quietly)
Hank: (returning to the sweet, caring ten year old that I know and love, kissing me on two cheeks) Bye mom, have a great day. See you after school.
Me: (melting into his kindness) Bye, buddy. Have a good day at school. Love you.
Hank: Love you.
Me: (shuts the door behind him) There is not enough coffee in the world… (shaking my head at the ridiculousness of our new morning routine, walk around the house, turning off lights, shutting doors and as I am just about to head into my office for my precious hour and a half of work before the rest of the house wakes OUR DOWNSTAIRS DOOR BELL RINGS LOUD ENOUGH TO WAKE THE DEAD! I race to the call button and press it whisper-screaming a list of expletives I will leave up to your imagination, all the while offering up to Our Lady of Fatima, reminding her first that I am a lapsed Lutheran/semi-buddhist and therefore only partially, kinda diet-catholic I’d be willing to crawl to her sanctuary on bare knees if by some miracle of her own making my monster-in-the-morning two year old sleeps through that bell, letting her know she’d just have to give me a sign she’d be up for my visit, when the elevator arrives.)
Me: WHAT DID YOU FORGET?!?!?!
Hank: YOU SAID I NEEDED MY UMBRELLA!!!!!!!
ME: IT IS IN YOUR BACKPACK! IT IS RIGHT THERE! RIGHT THERE! (pointing in a stabbing motion to the backpack on his back)
Hank: (feeling back to his side pocket where his umbrella always lives) OH MY GAWD! (dramatically tumbles to the floor of the hallway)
Me: OH HANK, Don’t do that! You’re gonna get stuck like a turtle your backpack is too heavy!
Hank: (indeed stuck like a turtle in the hallway of our building in front of the elevators, starts laughing at the effort it is taking him to get up)
Hank: (struggling but getting to his feet, laughing)
Me: (giggling) Get outta here! Go on!
Hank: (waving, laughing) Bye mom! (disappears into the elevator)
Me: (shaking my head) Good GRAVY, Happy Thanksgiving to me!
*Força is one of my favorite words in Portuguese. It literally means all of the following all at once: Force, Strength, Power and Might.