The Pooping Ant (A Conversation with Molly)

Forget what you know to be true! conversations with hank

Forget what you know to be true!


(watching nature documentaries)

Molly: MAMAMAMAMAMMAMAMAMAMAMA! Looook, it’s a pooping ant.

Me: (looking up from my book ) Oh wow, cool, a centipede.

Molly: No mama, not cente-peeeee! No pee, mama, poop! It’s a pooping ant!

Me: A pooping ant?

Molly: (definitive) Yes.

Me: Well then, I will be sure to alert the scientifit community that the centipede shall from this day forward be know as the pooping ant.

Molly: Thank you, mama. I love you so much.


Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That

Apparently, we have all been doing this wrong.

Apparently, we have all been doing this wrong.


(walking in to find Hank and his Pai (dad) in absolute hysterics)

Me: What in the world is this funny that you aren’t sharing it with me?

Pai: (literal tears streaming down his face) The Kardashians.

Me: Come again?

Hank: (practically hyperventilating) I am showing Pai (dad) how the Kardashians arrange their cookie jars.

Me: Am I in a parallel universe?

Pai: (pointing to Hank’s phone, blissfully overwhelmed) And how they eat Kit-Kats!

Me: Because they don’t eat Kit-Kat’s like the rest of us?

Pai: NO! (riots of laughter)

Hank: Mom, you have no idea.

Pai: They disassemble the Kit-Kat and eat it one layer at a time!

Me: Ain’t nobody got time for that!

Hank: And they put their cookies in a cookie jar like this (shows me his phone paused on a YouTube video).

Me: What the? Wait, how many cookies does it take to fill one jar?

Pai: Four and a half packages!

Me: Shut your face!

Hank: No, he’s right! She tells you how many in the video.

Me: First World Problems!

Pai: But I don’t understand why they do this because once exposed to the air the cookies go stale.

Hank: Well, they don’t really eat the cookies. They’re more for display.

Me: But they eat Kit-Kats apparently.

Pai: Everyone needs a vice.

Me: Bless their precious hearts.

Hank: Mom, you’ve gotta see this.

Me: Nope. Once lost I will never get that time back and I’d rather spend it reading a good book. She can go on and arrange her cookies, no judgement!

Pai: (still recovering, dabbing his eyes and giggling)

Hank: But mom it’s soooooooo funny!

Me: You do you, boys. Enjoy!

Pai: (returning to gut bending hysterics) Four and a half packages of cookies!


Wishing You All A Very Merry Unbirthday

This is what 38 looks like.

This is what 38 looks like.


Pai: Is everything on the table that needs to be on the table?

Me: I’m happy.

Hank: Amália needs a water glass.

Pai: Okay, anything else?

Hank: No.

Me: Nope.

Pai: (returning with said water glass) Great, now we can start the birthday!

Me: Hurray!

Hank: Happy birthday, mom.

Me: Thanks, buddy.

Molly: It your birthday?

Me: Yes, today is my birthday, Ms. Molly MaGoo.

Molly: (pouting) Awe, I want it my birthday, too! Share?

Me: You would like me to share my birthday with you?

Molly: (perks up) YAH!

Me: Well, I’d be honored. Happy Unbirthday, Amália!

Pai: Happy Un-Birthday, filha (daughter)!

Hank: (whispers in my ear) But mom, do you think it is a good idea to make her think it is also her birthday, I mean, this is your day.

Me: Trust me, it’s perfectly fine. Today is also your unbirthday.

Hank: Wait, un-birthday? (catching on) Ohhhh.

Me: (winking at him, singing) Aaaaaaaaaa very merry unbirthday to you!

Molly: To me?

Me: Yes, you! (turning to Hank) A very merry unbirthday to you!

Hank: There is a song for this?

Me: (singing) Now blow the candle out my dear and make your wish come true!

Hank: Is this a real song or are you making it up?


Pai: Haven’t we learn yet that with your mother there is always a song.