Me: I’m going to put a “No Loitering” sign in the bathroom.
Pai: (exhausted sigh, half serious) Is it wrong that I just want them to go to sleep right now? Am I a horrible person?
Me: (oozing with sarcasm) Listen, we only have to pretend to like them on weekends.
Hank: (sitting down at the table with his phone to his ears) Hey girl, listen, I have to go. Yah, I have to eat dinner with my parents and pretend I think they’re funny. Right. I KNOW. Yah, totally. (laughing) Okay. For sure! Later, bye. (puts the phone down dramatically, picks up his napkin with a flourish and places it in his lap, raised eyebrow, oozing with sass)
Molly: (slurping her soup)
Me: (hand to my heart, momentarily speechless)
Hank: (panicking) What? You know that was a joke, right? My phone’s not even on.
Pai: And you don’t have any friends who speak English with you. (chuckling) We get it. That was great.
Me: (overly dramatic and sincere) I hoped this day would come, I dreamed of it, but you never know, you know?
Pai: Some people are born without a sense of humor.
Me: (slow clap)
Pai: (joining me) Well, done.
Me: (half getting up) Excuse me while I go apply water to that burn.
Pai: Don’t the kids say, “Awe snap,” in these moments?
Hank: (proud, diving into his soup)
Me: (diving into my soup) That was funny.
Pai: (diving into his soup) That was so funny.
Molly: (oblivious, picking up her soup bowl and chugging the rest of her soup) All done. How the day? How the day, papa? How the day, mano? How the day, mama? (coughing into her elbow)
Me: Historic, MaGoo. Today was positively historic, thank you for asking.